i deserve to die :(
...merely because i ain't doing a very good job at three things...
1. BEING A GOOD FRIEND
2. BEING A GOOD DAUGHTER
3. BEING A GOOD CHRISTIAN
i can't take it. :( i deserve to die. why can't i learn to sacrifice for them? why can't i learn to show more love? why can't i at least do simple things for them? i feel that they feel that i don't care at all. they must think i'm heartless. they must really think that i am not worth it...
i'm not making any effort. i hate myself for that. i hate myself for not trying hard. i hate myself for always blaming things on others and for only thinking about myself.
look at my post.
it's all about... " I ".
God must hate me. He should. I'm not doing my obligations and am not doing anything to make up for it. I keep making promises but every bow i make is broken. :( i keep asking but there were only a few times that i will give something...as in selflessly. it's to rare for me to do that. it's sad...and still, THEY are there.
i'm human but i don't think it's humane for me to make the same mistakes all ovr again.
see why? why i wanna die? but then that wouldn't solve things right? no matter, i'll still be inflicting pain to those i'm close with. to those whom i'm supposed to be close with.
i don't have the ability to return all those things they've given or done for me.
or maybe, im just too stubborn & selfish to really do that. either way, i'm still at fault.
it hurts how sometimes, i have to pretend not to be hurt when i see them hurt cause they think i don't care at all. truth is, i do. but wth is wrong with me? i keep showing the contrary. i keep hurting them. what? don't i have any conscience? im hurting but i dont do anything for it. i say hurtful things and don't even mean half of them...but i cant take them back. the pain's alr there. ive made a mistake. i always subconsciously think of them and count their flaws...it's become a habit. however, what seems to be the real problem here is myself. and why is it that ic nt ever accept that fact?
am i going in circles?
i dont understand myself anymore.
ive said it to my friend before...
i feel like im looking at a stranger everytime i look in the mirror.
...as a friend...
i wanna be friends. i wanna treat everyone as friends.
but i get too attached sometimes that i depend on them too much and would expect a lot of things coming from them. so when it does not come, i am most affected. it's a wrong way of thinking...and i know. it's so shitty and bratty of me to think of it that way...but i do become really emotional. many times, i wud have this thinking that they dont want me as their friend and are ignoring me...w/c if you look at it really closely...they're not. im over-exaggerating things and i admit that. i fail as a friend.
...as a daughter...
i always had to choose between these two: MOM & INTERNET. as much as geeky as it may sound, i confess...i'm an internet addict. i can spend a day just sitting in front of the comp and i'll prolly have the best day of my life. so bet mom & internet...obviously, i always choose internet. see? wtf is with me?! the truth hurts but im sayign it nao. im a bad daughter...a really bad one. & i really wnana change that. i wanna care for my mother more...i wanna do things more for her. but this side of me always overcomes me. the side that would wnat pleasure than doing things for love. :( my mom has even said it, "You don't care about me, don't you." And that hurt. A WHOLE FUCKING LOT. Because yeah. Like i said...the truth hurts. But i really love my mom. When it comes down to nothing, i'll only have her. But everytime we argue...abt my addiction...i always say smething mean back at her. Something a daughter shouldn't ever do. Imagine...she'd been there for me all along and i repay her like this?! Gawd. I love her but im hurting so much...i fail as a daughter.
...as a Christian...
like i said...God must be so disappointed at me now. He might cast the 7 plagues again just because of me and i mean it. I forget to pray at night and i rarely go to mass nowadays...i get nightmares usually and i think it's because of that. i cnt believe this. i am forgetting HIM of all things :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( i deserve to be punished...i really LOVE GOD. I respect whole lots and would wnat to be closer to him...but i think my addiction has led me far away from Him. I can get addicted but not to the point that i forget my real obligations here on Earth. I am fucking frustrated now. Why did i let all of these happen? Since when did i start becoming like this...i remember in the past...i would always...ALWAYS pray and thank Him. But now..that habit disappeared and was replaced with hanging out at forums and waiting for smething w/c wont really earn me anything. IM SO STUPIDDD. I fail at being a Christian ...i fail...
SORRY IS TOO EASY TO TYPE BUT THEN IT'S REALLY HARD TO SAY IN REAL LIFE. IF IT WAS, I'D HAVE TO SAY GAZILLIONS OF EM... :((
i never meant to hurt anyone.
i never meant to forget anyone.
i never meant to lose faith...
"I'm only human." is definitely not an excuse. it's too overrated and too...doubtful. My mom, my friends...they're human too but how come i'm like this? and they're not? how come i do this? and they don't? how come they're normal...and i'm not?
I DESERVE TO DIE.
posted by Abie @ 5:35 PM
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